I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
