dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
