god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
