oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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