I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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