did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
