glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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