I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
