My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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