if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As shirtless as possible
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
