oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
