he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
