I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize