so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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