Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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