it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
