It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
