Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
