Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
