i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
