my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
