just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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