so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
