OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
