That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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