i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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