Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
