You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
