dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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