we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
