i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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