i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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