If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
