He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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