weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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