i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's get the cat blown out
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
