Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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