Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
