You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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