If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
