I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
