Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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