I'm lost and stupid without you.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to make out with him forever
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
