grandma shit on top of the toilet
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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