know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
