I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize