ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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