I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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