I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
