I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
