I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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