I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize