The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
