oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
