I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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