I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We have started to decorate penises.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
