just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
