a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize