Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize